Monday 28 November 2011

Getting Honest About Inequality and Stress

“Mommy’s Time Out”? “Mommy Juice”? Are you kidding me?
As a stay-at-home mom who is always happy to have a glass of wine after a long day with the kids, I find these branding names offensive. Do we really have to celebrate that mom gets 5 minutes to herself to have a drink?
I have a new wine name. How about, “Mom may or may not have a drink tonight because she has a supportive partner who happens to be doing the laundry because it’s his turn”?
Jodi Harker, Stouffville


The above quote coming from comments in an article from the Toronto Star called the Atkinson series on Women and Alcohol use.  Interestingly enough this has been coming up a lot lately amongst friends and clients. Why? Because women, especially mothers are not coping well and are turning to the newest trend in toxic stress management- alcohol. The expectations on women who are mothers are so intense and the inequalities are disgusting to be blunt. Women are predominantly still doing more than their share of the work load than their male partners in the home and now out as well.   Cue the men who say "but not all men shirk their share of the load"  This is true but hell no am I giving a badge of honor for that. The pursuit of equality hence humanity is everyone's responsibility!

Am I bitter? Less so now. You see while being single with three boys and working is a level of intensity I cannot even comprehend it is much easier than having the inequality slap me in the face everyday.  Being a nag and begging for my efforts to be matched is frankly a job I enjoyed quitting.  However when my back is against the wall and I am sick or need help in someway every now and again I fall into the trap of self-pity or maybe it just plain exhaustion.   I am reminded that my boys and I are in this alone and for all intensive purposes always have been and it feels awful when I am in need.  Sadly this is the case for many women.
A friend of mine said to me last week " you know Andrea, as women we must no longer accept this inequality. We end it by not accepting it."  In principle I get that . Life however is a series of choices and consequences and we unfortunately can only hold ourselves accountable,that is a start though.  My sticking point that I am sure a few thousand dollars of therapy will fix..... It honestly infuriates me that I continue to see men who are fathers heading to the gym daily, getting their beauty sleep, reading the paper,taking in the game, prioritizing there own lives and sanity over their responsibility to their children while the mothers pick up the slack. I wonder even more why the mothers,sisters and friends of these men don't take a stand against it.  The truth is I am not sure it will change unless men collectively decide it should change and while I know a handful of men doing the work required to make the shift it is but a drop in the bucket.   As a mother of three boys who will one day be men I see the challenges already in teaching compassion and equality. In fact almost every example I have for them amongst friends and family perpetuates exactly the inequality I speak of in some degree or another. Its like society is complacent.  Were fine with women carrying the load.
Rewind to women and toxic stress management.  Perhaps women are not fine with it. Perhaps its time to aggressively tackle the core issue.  In my case I started with myself.  Its about taking responsibility for what I am willing to accept and not accept.  Its about determining my worth . If I don't take a stand for me I certainly can't expect anyone else too.

1 comment:

  1. Andrea, I hear you, I'm with you, all the way. There is no demographic exception, fathers of every income strata are the same. Also, I will this, the challenge is to raise a boy, to become a man, not just another u-know-what. You make mention of this. It was among by biggest fears, waiting for the birth of my first.. who did in fact turn out to be a boy. I am lucky, in that his nature, overall, is a very romantic one - and he's a clean/organizational nut. Regardless, every day, he gets more playground bravado and stance - and I wonder if I can hold on to my little Renaissance Man much longer and his good habits/inclinations or will the be lost and buried among the 'cool' factor of wearing your male hormones on your sleeve and dropping the softer, nurturing side as you go..?

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